Wow. You know, it says here that by the time the average American is fifty, he has five pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels.
(Billy Rosewood - Beverly Hills Cop)
Thanks...now I know everything I need to know.
WARNING: THE SUBJECT OF THIS RANT IS A BIT SQUICKY...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
This week, in the midst of the rest of the chaos and clutter that has become my life, I got to share in a ritual. A ritual so steeped in mystery, that the Masons don't discuss it. You don't normally share the details of the ritual with your friends, but deep down, you know that someday, they will all share in this ritual too.
This ritual you ask...the colonoscopy.
Imagine it, if you dare. An eight foot rubber hose placed up into your rear while a camera takes pictures of everything inside.
My first question? At what point in medical school do you decide you want to do this for a living?
The preparation for the test starts the day before. A total liquid diet. No red food. Jello, Ice Pops, broth. Did you ever count the number of food commerials in prime time? I was so hungry I would have killed for some Dharma ranch dressing.
At 3PM the night before the test, you start your prep with two Dulcolax tablets.
At six PM, you mix a bottle of some white powder and a 64 ounce bottle of Gatorade. Dring 8 ounces every 15 minutes until gone.
At 9 PM two more Dulcolax and a glass of water.
Begin the cleanse process.
At about 9:30 PM, I began to wonder..."What if you go through this entire process, and you just don't go?" You walk into the Doctor, telling her that you didn't go, and she tells you you are full of it. You agree, and she soon finds out that you are full of it, and were not lying. Fortunately for both of us that was not a problem. Soon, I am clean and 5 pounds lighter.
I get up the next morning, and head to the office of my Gastroenterologist. My Doctors have this big mega complex that makes the local hospitals sad. Instead of having to do these tests in the hospital, you do them in the very swanky, very well decorated Gastroenterology Suite.
They check you in, ask you all sorts of questions, start an IV and wheel you into this little room. I swear..they were playing Enya music. They gave me some Valium to calm me. but I think it was an attempt to put me in the mood. The lights were dimmed, it was really beautiful...sniff, tear.
I'd like to tell you more about the procedure, but I can't. Apprently, this drug named Verced (Now why is it all the good medicines I've gotten lately start with the letter V?) causes a temporary amnesia and you remember nothing. I just only hope she didn't ask me questions while I was under.
All I can tell you is when it's your time...
Get them to buy you dinner first. Just don't make it steak.
9 comments:
I'm gagging thinking about drinking all that Gatorade full of crazy powder. That sounds like torture (not with standing the rubber tube).
Okay, I would like to complain formally.
I was not aware of what the term "squicky" meant, so I read forward unknowingly. ;)
Yikes- I shall continue to live in fear of the thought of this little ritual for the rest of my life.... At least you got good drugs and can't remember most of it-
Oh isn't life grand?
Yikes!
lol
that's the same little story I got from my mother a few weeks ago. Apparantly Larilyn didn't have the pleasure of that little chat. (rolling eyes)
Yep, I've heard this story from my mom too. It sounds must worse than the breast squish is.
At least you're all cleaned out.
ahh, been there, done that, had the drugs, loved the oxygen! hahaha Color me clean too! wooohooo The doc and me were thinking of new license plates for him....I said "butt Dr", he liked it. Although the new one I thought of was "hoser" LOL
I think we know waaaay too much of each other!!!!
Update!
Update!
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