I must be strong....and carry on....

I realized today that so many of my posts here are depressing. There are only a handful of people who know about this place, and well, it is sort of my refuge, the place where I can bare my soul.

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven


Over the last few years, I have buried many people that I love deeply. A constant procession of death and dying, and I have been comforted by the thought that my faith tells me that we will all be together again someday.


But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them


On Monday, we received the call that Tom's Uncle Joe had passed away. Uncle Joe was 84, and had leukemia. He was my father-in-law's youngest brother. He was the polar opposite of the man my father-in-law is. Joe was a rebel. He was a hippie when hippies were not cool. For every straight laced, uptight position Grandpa holds, Uncle Joe was there to be different. Grandpa's mother died giving birth to Joe. At least that is what everyone thought for nearly 75 years. Tom, while doing some genealogy work, discovered that wasn't the case, and that she died some two weeks later of pneumonia. For 75 years, Grandpa lived with a chip on his shoulder, and Uncle Joe lived with guilt. The two were never close. I was instrumental in bringing them together. In the end, I am glad I stuck my nose in where it wasn't wanted.


I’ll be a sunbeam for Jesus;
I can if I but try;
Serving Him moment by moment,
Then live with Him on high.


In losing loved ones, I thought I understood loss and pain. That was until Tuesday morning.


Kathy and I were neighbors back in 1986. She was tattooed and fun loving. Her husband Sal was a rebel with a pony tail. Tom and I were Republican and uptight. We met each other while walking. We were both pregnant, and well, could use the exercise. We became fast friends.


We did things with two other friends from the neighborhood. Becky, tall, thin and also pregnant, and the other Kathy...fun loving, and a penchant for "christening" new cars she and her husband got all too often.


Life was perfect. As perfect as it could be for four twenty-somethings with homes and cars and mortgages.


Becky gave birth to a boy in January 10 1987. Kathy gave birth to a girl, Kara-Lynn on March 23rd. Katie was born on May 10th. The four couples enjoyed each others company and when the second round of babies came along three years later, we became like a family.

Monday night, in a pounding rainstorm, the car Kara-Lynn was riding in hydroplaned, went off the interstate, and into a grove of trees. Kara was alive when the police got there, and was rushed to the local hospital. The storm was too severe for the helicopters to fly, so as she was being transported to the local trauma center, she deteriorated on the way. She died in a hospital halfway from here to the trauma center.


You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

While I have been acquainted with those who have lost children before, none have touched me as deeply as this one death has. This was a little girl I held shortly after her first breath, as I had my own daughter. She was a daily part of my life for the first five years of her and Katie's life. As the girls got older, they went to separate elementary schools and grew apart. We moved away from the old neighborhood. In High School the girls hung in different groups. Any time I would see Kara, she always had a big smile...even when putting extra pickles on my BMT with a wink.

Shout to the Lord, all the earth, let us sing
Power and Majesty, praise to the King;
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.

I sing for joy at the work of your hands,
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

For the last four days I have been in a fog. I have alternating between total despair and thanks to God, knowing that in a heartbeat it could be my child. My question is, as a parent, how do you go on? How do you find the strength to face the day? Kathy and Sal have showed such incredible strength throughout it all. They had all Kara's organs harvested. Yesterday at the funeral home, they embraced the young lady who was driving the car, and had her sitting with them near the casket. They consoled others who should have been consoling them.

Today, under cloudy skies and a light rain, we buried this little girl. Only 21 years old and so much life to live. Three of us, who had shared the births of our children stood together, arms around each other, grieving for the life lost, and for her mother who will never be the same.

Please God, don't make me do this again.

Over time you’ve healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
And though at times it’s just enough to castA shadow on the wall
Well, I am grateful that you shine your light on me at all

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?