9 AM on a Sunday morning, and I am looking at life with a set of eyes that I haven't used in a very long time.
I think about the last time I updated this thing. My life was in turmoil. I was dealing with a lot of things, and handling none of them well. Looking back, I have to say it was one of my darkest winters.
I have learned not to say that things cannot get worse, because they can and do. I have to thank God that they have not.
During the period that my grandmother was dying, I was having a tough time with my mother. For 45 years, I have been the rope in a tug of war battle between two weak women. One who loved out of necessity, the other who loved out of convenience. Each one, needing to be the center of attention, one for the love labor that she took on, the other for the love that she gave up, albeit willingly.
An argument ensued that really should have never happened. When my Grandfather died in 2003, the obituary was written that said he had 4 children, including the grandaughter he raised. It was ok, that is what he wanted. Here we were, four years later, and now it became a problem. Same wording. I made a decision that this was a situation that I did not create, therefore I would not attempt to fix. I knew the love that my grandparents had for me, and that love meant more than whatever would be printed in some newspaper.
As my grandmother took her last breaths, I realized that my life has been shaped by a battle that no one can win. I have been molded by a situation that was not in my control, yet I am the one who has survived. Way more normal than I have any right to be.
For the last 6 weeks I have been going at a pace that would make most women weary. In the last 30 days I have slept in my own bed a grand total of 8 days. And I have thought a lot about my life.
I am married to a man who through it all has loved me with all his heart. To say we don't have our moments would be an understatement, but he is the first one who I want to tell anything, and the last one who I want to talk to before I go to sleep. He loves his children, and is 1000 times more involved in the lives of his children than his father before him.
I have three children who have a love for each other that I don't see in a lot of families I know. They want to celebrate each other's successes, and they want to be there for each other in a time of crisis.
I have friends who I may not see every day, but I believe would come to my rescue in times of trouble.
When my father left, his mother stayed very involved in my life. One of her last good days before she died I asked her how she was that day. Her answer is the life I choose to live.
"I woke up this morning and saw the sun. God has blessed me. It is a great day."
Now it is off to Church for the first full weekend of our new pastor. He's 41 and looks exactly like Steve Carrell. Yes, the 40 year old virgin jokes have already been made.
I still remember the password for this crazy blog, and I am back. And ready to rumble....
