God schedules a birthday...not man.

Yup....that is what you think it is.

I'm going to be a grandmother.

Soon.

It's a boy!

Katie and her boyfriend Andy are going to be parents.  The expected due date.  November 13th.  I'm scheduled for Florida November 6-14.  Just bought the tickets last Wednesday. Timing is everything.

Here is the story...

Katie and Andy were introduced by a mutual friend and went out for the first time on New Year's Eve.  They hit it off and within weeks I was hearing chatter about him being the "one".

In February, Andy's stepfather died, and they went to Florida. She met the whole family - sort of a trial by fire.

They have continued dating, and honestly, I can't find anything wrong with the young man.  He got out of high school and knew that sports had been more important than school.  He knew that he didn't know what he wanted, so he joined the Navy.  He spent 5 years sailing around the Indian Ocean chasing Pirates! He got out of the Navy, got a job, started college...and met my daughter.

For the last few weeks, I've had a mother's intuition that something was up.  Katie is not one to wear baggy clothes, and she wasn't, but there was something different about her.  I knew she was on the pill (Walgreens gave me the wrong prescription), and I thought she might be pregnant, but the night before Maggie's graduation she had a drink with the rest of us.  I figured I must be imagining things.

Last Friday, she came to us.  After 6 sticks, and a visit to the doctor, it was confirmed.  She had missed her period in May.  She was scheduled for an ultrasound yesterday, to determine fetal age.  We were guessing between 8-12 weeks.(April's period was very light)  As the tech placed the probe on her belly, I immediately saw a face, and the tech and I said "oh my" at the same time.  The tech looked at me and said
"Wow".  We both knew that she was farther along than anyone expected. Farther along then they even imagined.

We're still not ready to go facebook public with this yet.

They are both very happy, shocked but happy, and are talking long term.  They are not going to rush into marriage, and I'm ok with that. They need to make sure they can make this work.

As for me, right now I'm in love.  I am sad for the things that I believe my daughter has lost.  I'm sad for all of the things I dreamed for her in the motherhood fantasy I had created in my head.  I worry that they have not had enough time to cultivate the relationship that will keep them together forever.  I never want my grandchild to feel any sadness.

I worry that my husband is not talking about it at all.  He showed no emotion when he saw the ultrasound photos yesterday.  I worry that Katie will construe it as him not caring.  I don't know how to explain to her in a way that she will understand, that is the same response I got...three times.  The jump up and down is not in his DNA.

Aside from all of that...I am happy.  Here's why...at 19, Katie was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Disease.  Infertility was a real concern. It's hard to hear at 19 that you may never have children.  She had run the rollercoaster of emotions over the last 6 years.  It cost her in relationships.  She had already told Andy...he understood and was ok with it. Then the unexpected happened.  God does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Oh by the way - somebody wants to say Hi!

We interrupt this program for an important announcement...

Remember me?

Watch this space for an important announcement.

A Brand New Day

You can turn the clock to zero, honey

I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money

We're starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero, boss

The river's wide, we'll swim across

Started up a brand new day

(Sting – Brand New Day)

This morning starts a new day in this country.

I will admit, quite openly, that my guy did not win.

That being said, I am not totally ready to pack it in and board up the doors for the next two years.

This morning, strangely, I feel a sense of relief. A sense of change. A sense of hope.

Not because I believe that our new President will be the savior of this country, I do not.

It is because, this morning, I believe that from this day forward, there are no valid excuses. The word can’t no longer exists in our national vocabulary.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer…

America, we have come so far.

We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do.

So tonight, let us ask ourselves — if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see?

What progress will we have made?
This is our chance to answer that call.

This is our moment.
This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope.

And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.
Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.
(Barack Obama – Accptance Speech – 11/04/2008)

Congratulations Barack Obama, you have your work cut out for you.

You have given hope to so many who see, every day, the signs of hatred all around us. Your election has given hope to millions of youth who up until this day believed that because of the color of their skin, doors would never be open to them. You have shown them that their only barrier is the barrier that they place in their own way.

Just three weeks ago, as my son and his best friend played soccer, his friend was thrown to the ground by the opposing team and had the most vile of words spit into his face. And although my son will never feel the pain of this word in the way his best friend did, he understood the pain of his friend.

This morning, I have hope. I have no choice.

So in the words of John McCain….

I urge all Americans ... I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our goodwill and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited. (John McCain – Concession Speech 11/04/2008)

The Power of A Moment!

Well, we did it!

The race has been walked, and the bling has been blinged!

Over the last two weeks before the race, I really began to doubt my ability to finish. I was kinda hoping for some sort of injury that would get me out of what I had agreed to do. Then I thought about it. I was not doing this for anyone but myself, and I had nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I really have to thank Terry for being such a driving force. Not only in getting me to agree to do this in the first place, but being by my side throughout the entire thing.

Here is my tale...

We spent Saturday Afternoon at EPCOT, noshing our way around the world, and having Japanese Hibachi for lunch. I was scared to death about what Sunday held, but somewhere inside me there was this little voice telling me that if I could do this one thing, I could do anything. So, in the adrenaline infused excitement of my life at that moment, I did the unthinkable....I ATE SUSHI!!!

After lunch, Tom and the offspring headed back to Studios to ride Toy Story one more time with a second set of fast passes, and I headed back to the resort and started on a pre-race pasta feast for the family.

After Toy Story, everyone came back to the room, and the kids headed to the big pool while the sauce simmered. Yeah, freak me...on vacation, gravy from scratch!!! We ate dinner around 9pm, and headed to bed.

RACE MORNING!!!

We were up and out of the hotel room by 5:30 AM. We had to pack the car because housekeeping wouldn't agree to an additional hour for checkout, and we weren't entirely sure we could be back and out by 11AM.

We were all dressed, and as ready as we ever would be. I was texting terry the whole way there, and she was waiting for us by the "big thing up in the air." I had to make a potty stop first, and so did about 2500 of the 2600 people racing...it took forever at the porta potties!!!

Mags and TJ met up with Terry first, and I got there a few minutes later. Hugs and kisses around, and I reviewed what I had said to my family the night before at dinner. Everyone go out and do your personal best, and nobody wait for me. I would see everyone at the finish line.

We all headed to our time chutes, Tom & TJ going upfront, and Katie, Maggie, Terry and I heading to the walker chute. We ran into Mouseman Tom there, but he was focused, and didn't seem to want to talk so much, but I don't think anyone did. Nerves were in charge, and before we knew it, the starting gun had sounded!!!

It took three minutes for our group to get to the timing pad after that, and we were off!

To see the ocean of people ahead of us was cool, 2600 is a lot of people, I can only imagine how the races with 50,000 must look going off. Every walker started off with a run, which caught me off guard, and I found myself running hard at the start to catch up with Terry and the girls.

All of the race information came with the warning that you must be able to maintain a 15 minute mile to stay in the race. We came to the first mile marker, and the clock said 18:30ish and I was like "NO WAY". Terry looked at her newfangled heart thing and it said we were on a 15:30 pace. So did the little British woman in my ear telling me how well I was doing.

About this little British woman. She lives in my shoe and speaks to my I-pod. Sometimes Lance Armstrong comes to visit, and he talks to me too! No, I don't need to be medicated, it is the wonder of Nanotechnology. I left my new shoes in my suitcase, just to have them with me.

We walked from Wide World of Sports, down Disney roads I have no knowledge of their names and into studios. Mile two came somewhere in there, as well as the first water stop. There was a lot of time spent backstage, and then we came to the Lights Motors set...and there we were on the BIG SCREEN...yuck!!! We looked like crap! As we were heading in, I could see a group headed out, and I saw Maggie...BIG WAVES!!!

I confused Terry a little bit with my countdown of the K's we had completed...mile 3 was outside the Christmas Shoppe in Studios...5K came around in front of the "big Hat" in Studios. We headed out toward the front entrance (Detoured past the Prime Time and Hollywood and Vine)

We came out of Studios, along the walk to Boardwalk, across the bridge to the Swan/Dolphin (mile 4) and via the boardwalk in front of the Beach Club we headed into a backstage area of EPCOT.

This area came in at the international gateway behind Britain in EPCOT. They ran us behind England, and past GARBAGE DUMPSTERS that reeked beyond all imagination. We came out into the World Showcase, and were headed UP THE HILL toward France. That hill was mean, but when we got to the top we saw the mile 5 marker!!! No One had pulled us off the course...we were going to finish.

We ran through the World Showcase, commented how our fingers looked like bratwurst when we got to Germany and I really was appreciating the breeze off the lake during the last leg. As we left the park through a side door near spaceship earth, I saw the mile 6 marker and knew it was almost complete. I was working hard to keep my composure about finishing, and I looked up ahead...and saw Tom and TJ waiting for me! I just lost it. I looked at Tom and he was losing his cool...we both knew what I was about to do, and how hard the journey was, and how much it meant for me that I took the trip.

At that point, the little British Lady congratulated me I had completed 10K, but Disney had other thoughts...I still had a bit more to go. I knew Terry crossed the starting pad ahead of me, so I ran ahead to even our times. I jumped in the air and pounced on the finish mat. I then realized what I had done, and started to cry again. I cannot believe I had tears...I was mondo dehydrated!!! Terry and I finished within 4/100th of a second of each other in time. Maggie was at the finish line...Katie was up ahead getting her Powerade and watermelon. Our Cheerleader Amber was there taking our pictures and cheering us on...

We ate, we laughed, and after awhile, said our goodbyes to Terry and Amber, hoping it wouldn't be two years before I saw Terry again in person.

It was 9:45 so we hurried back to the hotel so we could shower before the 11AM checkout time. I had purposely NOT checked out early, and left my bill hanging on the door, but when we got back to the room at 10, the maid was in there cleaning, and pretty much told us that it was tough crap. It kind of ticked me off since we actually had the room until 11AM, but I didn't make a fuss. We headed to the fitness center to shower, and the girl told us there were no showers in there (which I found out later was a lie...and probably the focus of a later rant) So, we went for a swim to clean ourselves off...

But I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat

And my world’s too big to make a name for myself

And what if no one wants to read about me when I’m gone?

Seems to me that right now’s the only moment that matters

You know the number of my days

So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head

And come write Your wisdom on my heart

And teach me the power of a moment

The name of this entry comes from a song by Chris Rice. It was my power song, set to come on the I-pod at the 6 mile mark to let me know that I was almost there. I never heard it. I was ahead of my best pace ever.

But the words of the song came back to haunt me just a few days later. My cousin, Michael, age 27 passed away suddenly, for no apparent reason. We are still awaiting the autopsy results, but my guess...he was extremely overweight. Probably played a part.

I owe it to myself to live each moment to its fullest extent. I owe it to God to do everything I do to honor what He has given me. There is no reason that these two things cannot coincide.

The Fatty Diaries...

I was thinking I was going to rename this blog.

I couldn't come up with a total new name, because it will still be the ranting of a wild woman who speaks to a select few. So, I left well enough alone.

But now it is time to turn my attention to other things. Mainly my fat self.

I was a sickly/skinny little kid. They used to give me vitamins and milkshakes to put a few pounds on my bones. I have been fat since July 1968. I was 7 years old, and I can tell you exactly how it happened.

Some know this story already. My grandfather (on my father's side) was a three shot a day diabetic with a heart condition. He knew that his remaining time on Earth was short, so he decided he wanted to see the country. He had a daughter (my aunt) that was two days younger than me, so he took me along too so that she would have some company. We left on July 1, 1968, I sat in the back of a Chevrolet station wagon, and for the next five weeks we Griswolded our way across these United States.

I get car sick, so there was very little I could eat that wouldn't be left on the side of the road. (I have had "protein spills" in about 35 states though) We found that Orange Crush, Grape Crush, Slush Puppies, Pancakes and grilled cheese stayed in me...

By Phoenix, my grandmother had to buy me new clothes.

Since then, I have been fighting a battle against the added pounds. I come from a family whose entire being revolves around food, we live to eat. Where just about every woman is at least 50 pounds overweight, and where everyone blames everyone else for why they are the way they are.

I blame me, while I have to eat to live, what I choose to put in my mouth is solely my own doing. No one is holding me down and forcing me to swallow, no one is injecting me with Crisco as I sleep. I could blame my family. I didn't have the best family situation growing up. I learned bad eating habits as a child, and old habits are hard to break. I could blame classmates who called me fat and sent me back into a solitude with a bowl of ice cream or a whole frozen pizza. I could blame Mother Nature, who I do believe has some part in the way I am. But I won't. I blame me. I am lazy when it comes to food. I eat whatever is easiest, and tastes the best.

Where has it all gotten me? It has gotten me to 215 at my heaviest. It has gotten me a diagnosis of borderline adult onset diabetes and fatty liver syndrome. It has gotten me to a place where I don't even do my hair in the morning because looking in the mirror is too painful.

Where am I now? Three weeks ago after the "Tampa Incident" I joined the gym. I have been going faithfully, and endure 30-45 minutes of cardio daily. I haven't lost any weight since joining (I AM down 6 pounds from the high though), but I am seeing it in my clothes.

I have a dear friend, I'll call her Terry, who somehow convinced me that I could do a 10K. As far as I know, SHE doesn't work with the FBI. The race is four weeks away...I am not ready.

So tomorrow morning, I set out on my own to walk a route from my house that will take me 6.2 miles closer to glory...or 6.2 miles closer to certain death.

Here's my route:

Picture Deleted to Avoid Stalkers and Rapists...


If you don't hear from me, send out reinforcements. Either I am dead alongside the road, bear lunch or in such pain that my fingers even hurt too much to type.

You have the right to remain silent....

Did you ever wonder why people confess to crimes they did not commit?

How could that be possible? I tell you, it is!

I have this friend, I'll call him Bill. He is a police investigator and works with the FBI. He has been my friend for over 15 years, and has convinced me, against my wishes, to agree to do things I never wanted to do in the first place. Mind you, these things are all good, but his methods of persuasion are so smooth, that I have now realized that he could probably get me to agree that I was the mastermind behind the Lindburgh baby kidnapping, AND was somewhere on the grassy knoll in November 1962.

Why is this important?

I have always believed that should I be arrested and tried for a crime I did not commit, I would not want my fate decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.

Serving on a trial jury is something none of us really want to do. We do whatever possible and use whatever explaination necessary to get excused. I was only called to jury duty once, and in my week of service, never got to the trial phase. I sat through two pre-screenings, and was picked for one trial, but was "dismissed" since the attorney of the defendant accused of DWI did not want someone who had a family member killed by a drunk driver on the jury. I don't know why.

After that day, I have been jury duty free for the last 15 or so years.

Until yesterday.

I have been selected for Grand Jury duty in the county where I live.

I had a 12:30 report time, and the room was filled with about 60 potential jurors. NYS law requires that a grand jury be 23 people, so some of us were going home.

The court clerk asked if the term of service would be impossible for anyone to do, and about 30 potential jurors raised their hands. As a self-employed person, I probably could have used that excuse, but if you opt out of the county pool, you get sent to the Federal pool. Most people don't know that. Shorter term, longer drive.

I had my legitimate ticket out...or so I thought.

My brother in law works for the District Attorney.

Off I go to the courtroom with the other 30 or so in my group to await questioning much like the questioning in the DWI case..."Do you have any family members in law enforcement?" "Do you know many criminal attorneys?" blah-blah-blah. The questions never came.

All I see is this hopper with little tickets in it. The first 23 tickets win. I was number 10.

Now, for the next TWO MONTHS, I am on the county grand jury. Deciding if the evidence presented is enough to bring indictment to the accused.

MY ticket out? The DA seemed to address that as if he was looking right at me. If my BIL is a witness in any particular case, then I am excused from that case. I'll be right back in there for the next one.

The hardest part of all of this is not going to be the two days of service per week for the next two months. It is not going to be the hours of testimony and deliberation. I believe in the jury system, and I believe it is my duty as an American to serve.

The hardest part of all of this is that I am not able to discuss any aspect, of any case, with ANYONE, EVER in my lifetime, without the possibility of FELONY prosecution!

So, I can't tell you about the cases, but there are 22 other jurors, a ton of attorneys and others who I am sure I will be ready to mock all too soon.

I must be strong....and carry on....

I realized today that so many of my posts here are depressing. There are only a handful of people who know about this place, and well, it is sort of my refuge, the place where I can bare my soul.

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven


Over the last few years, I have buried many people that I love deeply. A constant procession of death and dying, and I have been comforted by the thought that my faith tells me that we will all be together again someday.


But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them


On Monday, we received the call that Tom's Uncle Joe had passed away. Uncle Joe was 84, and had leukemia. He was my father-in-law's youngest brother. He was the polar opposite of the man my father-in-law is. Joe was a rebel. He was a hippie when hippies were not cool. For every straight laced, uptight position Grandpa holds, Uncle Joe was there to be different. Grandpa's mother died giving birth to Joe. At least that is what everyone thought for nearly 75 years. Tom, while doing some genealogy work, discovered that wasn't the case, and that she died some two weeks later of pneumonia. For 75 years, Grandpa lived with a chip on his shoulder, and Uncle Joe lived with guilt. The two were never close. I was instrumental in bringing them together. In the end, I am glad I stuck my nose in where it wasn't wanted.


I’ll be a sunbeam for Jesus;
I can if I but try;
Serving Him moment by moment,
Then live with Him on high.


In losing loved ones, I thought I understood loss and pain. That was until Tuesday morning.


Kathy and I were neighbors back in 1986. She was tattooed and fun loving. Her husband Sal was a rebel with a pony tail. Tom and I were Republican and uptight. We met each other while walking. We were both pregnant, and well, could use the exercise. We became fast friends.


We did things with two other friends from the neighborhood. Becky, tall, thin and also pregnant, and the other Kathy...fun loving, and a penchant for "christening" new cars she and her husband got all too often.


Life was perfect. As perfect as it could be for four twenty-somethings with homes and cars and mortgages.


Becky gave birth to a boy in January 10 1987. Kathy gave birth to a girl, Kara-Lynn on March 23rd. Katie was born on May 10th. The four couples enjoyed each others company and when the second round of babies came along three years later, we became like a family.

Monday night, in a pounding rainstorm, the car Kara-Lynn was riding in hydroplaned, went off the interstate, and into a grove of trees. Kara was alive when the police got there, and was rushed to the local hospital. The storm was too severe for the helicopters to fly, so as she was being transported to the local trauma center, she deteriorated on the way. She died in a hospital halfway from here to the trauma center.


You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

While I have been acquainted with those who have lost children before, none have touched me as deeply as this one death has. This was a little girl I held shortly after her first breath, as I had my own daughter. She was a daily part of my life for the first five years of her and Katie's life. As the girls got older, they went to separate elementary schools and grew apart. We moved away from the old neighborhood. In High School the girls hung in different groups. Any time I would see Kara, she always had a big smile...even when putting extra pickles on my BMT with a wink.

Shout to the Lord, all the earth, let us sing
Power and Majesty, praise to the King;
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.

I sing for joy at the work of your hands,
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

For the last four days I have been in a fog. I have alternating between total despair and thanks to God, knowing that in a heartbeat it could be my child. My question is, as a parent, how do you go on? How do you find the strength to face the day? Kathy and Sal have showed such incredible strength throughout it all. They had all Kara's organs harvested. Yesterday at the funeral home, they embraced the young lady who was driving the car, and had her sitting with them near the casket. They consoled others who should have been consoling them.

Today, under cloudy skies and a light rain, we buried this little girl. Only 21 years old and so much life to live. Three of us, who had shared the births of our children stood together, arms around each other, grieving for the life lost, and for her mother who will never be the same.

Please God, don't make me do this again.

Over time you’ve healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
And though at times it’s just enough to castA shadow on the wall
Well, I am grateful that you shine your light on me at all

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?